Is This Love?
by S3ab3ar
Summary: After everything that happened, Stan can't face his truths. [AngelxStan]


Title: Is this love?

Author: S3ab3ar

Genre: One shot.

Fandom: Pose

Rating: PG-13

Summary: After everything that happened, Stan can't face his truths. StanxAngel.

Disclaimer: I don't profit or own Pose, FX owns the rights of the series.

* * *

In all retrospect, his life was basically over and it was all Stan's fault.

In no shape or form can said life go back to what it used to be—before Angel. He can try and pretend—but, his now ex-wife was not having any of that and meant it when she went back to school and pursued her career—and if said hypothetical scenario occurred where he can go back to his old life like nothing transpired, he can't.

He can't forget Angel. He can't forget her gorgeous face and body and just everything about her. He simply cannot move past her and the city job that permitted him this gateway to this unconventional lifestyle, away from his boring, mundane reality.

But, after all that was said and done, he ended up alone. He sabotaged his marriage, he lost out on his relationship with Angel—a relationship that was fated to fire out after due time—and everything just collapsed.

Stan maintained a civil and platonic exchange with his former wife for the sake of the children. The times where he was invited to a family dinner, it felt misplaced and mechanical. He loved his children and they were one of the reasons he continued to put himself through this awkwardness.

Sitting across Patty was numbing and sad.

Her demeanor changed to someone he barely can recognize; self reassured and unmoving confidence that comes with independence as well as glimmers of pity whenever she stared too long into his eyes. Patty recovered from most of the emotional impact Stan's infidelity caused through redefining herself from the ground up, but she felt pity and sympathy for Stan's inner turmoils.

_Living a double life and not facing his real truths has to be the loneliest existence_, she often thought. She never brought up anything related to his personal life anymore. She spoke only of the children and the small talk after that was barely anything that mattered.

Stan changed, too. He was always alone and more quiet about his existence outside the role of being a father. Years after the marriage dissolved, he rarely dated biological women. After the experience with Angel, his preferences were never quite the same. Although, to be fair, deep down he always had inclinations for trans women as far back as he can remember.

Angel was just special enough for him to test out the waters. She was unapologetically herself and Stan admired that about her. Outside of sex and the new experience of a trans woman's body, he simply loved Angel and wanted to keep her.

After all these years, he still remembers her and can't forget the time he spent with her. He finally settled down with a woman he met at the office. She was homely and well dressed. She was decent company—which was enough to past the days from feeling empty and alone. He never spoke of his past—minus his children, of course—and he definitely never spoke of Angel to anyone else. Sometimes when he went out to the city or parts of Brooklyn, he saw young women of color passing by with wild, curly hair and his heart would stop for a moment, thinking it was her.

He knew better, though.

This happened often and he reminded himself he was being ridiculous and self deprecating.

He never ventured out to the piers.

Despite the urge to spot her there.

He never saw her again.

Years later though—only by coincidence—without much thought to it, he purchased a copy of the latest edition of his girlfriend's favorite fashion magazine, along with a few groceries she asked for on the way home from the office.

She left it open on the coffee table while she prepared dinner. Stan went to move it aside to set his coffee down, a page or two turned and the image of a woman that looked identical to Angel instantly froze him in place.

Blinking, almost spilling his coffee, Stan frantically grabbed the magazine. Upon further inspection, it dawned on him: he knew perfectly well who the model was. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach as he took everything in. Angel was more beautiful than he last remembered her and amazing in the designer clothes she posed in.

As pathetic and almost cliche as this all was going to sound, Stan right then and there knew he could not escape this maddening cycle. As much as he tried to conform to what his ideal of normal was, he was miserable. Nothing satisfied him.

He closed the magazine and left it on the far side of the coffee tabletop. He could not progress all the thoughts and feelings the magazine spread stirred within him.

All Stan knew was he needed to see her again at some point. If he left his stable life once, he can do it all over again just for her.

**The End**.


End file.
